The Marvel Cinematic Universe: Phase One – A Review

Have you noticed that in recent years every movie you see heavily advertised at the cinema, on TV or on the internet is now a Superhero movie?

Unless you live the Amish lifestyle and avoid such satanic technological devices, then you will have, and if you’re a fan of these types of films then you must be in superhero heaven right now, but if you live with mere mortals, then you may see this trend as the death of original cinema.

But where did this all begin? Some may say Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins (2005), created a darker and edgier Batman; for the first time our superheroes weren’t simply white guys in spandex with supernatural powers.

But really the dominance of superhero movies isn’t due to a DC comic book hero but rather Marvel, specifically the Marvel Cinematic universe created, essentially, by very clever producers and marketing executives of the now multi-billion dollar production company Marvel Studios.

And what they have done is created a ‘universe’ of films, multiple superhero movies and television shows that all live in one place, all tie in together as a whole, and whether you think this is an amazing new medium for cinema or simply an exercise in marketing prowess you can’t deny there isn’t some genius to it.

As a man who enjoys regularly sitting on fences, I really find myself in the middle of the two arguments. I think one argument is true, you can tell they aren’t so much as films as they are a money making scheme, you know the end before you’ve gone into the cinema, the good guy beats the bad guy.

However this doesn’t stop me enjoying watching them. I don’t appreciate them as a great piece of cinema or art but they’re fun, exciting and the universe they’ve created whether is an innovative way of creating movies.

Anyway I am rambling. I have decided as part of my reviews to watch the Marvel Cinematic Universe in chronological order by year of release, (not the television shows and short films I’m afraid, I don’t think any human on earth really has the time to watch all of it). I’ve decided in this post to review the Phase One of the universe from Iron Man (2008) to Marvel’s The Avengers (2012) with short reviews of each film. That’s if you got to the bottom of this article without getting bored and clicking the red X.

Iron Man (2008)

Cool guys don’t look at explosions

So the film that started it all, Iron Man stars Robert Downey Jr as our titular hero, who dons the Iron Man suit for the first time to defeat some terrorists and eventually his business partner Obadiah Stane, (Jeff Bridges), who as it happens also dons a large iron suit. How fitting.

Your opinion of this film really may fall on whether or not you like the character of Tony Stark, a billionaire playboy who grows a conscience when he sees what his weapons manufacturing truly does.

Personally I find him rather annoying, (probably just envious), and mainly an attempt by Marvel to quickly appeal to male teenagers. But to be fair to them it clearly worked.

A fun film with lots of explosions; it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, just like Tony Stark or Robert Downey Jr himself, but it does have its charm and helped spawn the biggest film franchise of all time.

Iron Man: 6/10

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

That feeling you get watching England play football

Out the same year as Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk (in its only standalone form so far) stars Edward Norton as Hulk, a big green radioactive monster who wreaks havoc in Brazil and eventually in New York alongside another green radioactive monster Abomination, (Tim Roth), who unlike Hulk is an evil green monster as he is English/Russian and is a little bit angrier.

The film features a decent cast, and Norton does a good job of making you ignore the fact you’re watching a film about a character whose catchphrase is ‘Hulk Smash!’

Another fun flick, if you like superhero movies this is an enjoyable watch and allows Hulk to easily fit into the eventual Avengers movie with his own back story, but I’m not surprised Marvel haven’t gone back to doing another Hulk film.

The Incredible Hulk: 5/10

Iron Man 2 (2010)

”Iron Man 2 – this time there’s even more iron’

The third film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is Iron Man 2, with Robert Downey Jr and Gwyneth Paltrow returning as Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, with Iron Man now facing evil Russian Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke), who has a grudge against Stark for a very loosely explained reason.

This one isn’t quite as fun and original as the first Iron Man, and sadly has more focus on loud explosions and special effects as it does on plot or character development.

Scarlett Johansson as Natasha Romanoff is a welcome addition to men everywhere, but really the film is just an excuse for big robots to fight each other (again), with the fight between Stark and James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) bordering on the silly.

Iron Man 2 is only going to be enjoyed by those who love Marvel films, and is okay, but doesn’t really make you want to go back and watch it.

Iron Man 2: 5/10

Thor (2011)

Thor sure does like his lightning

Weirdly the first Marvel film I actually saw at the cinema, Thor I believe is the first film I think that can be enjoyed by casual and general fans of film rather than just those who love Superhero movies.

Directed by Kenneth Brannagh, Thor stars Chris Hemsworth as a Norse God who is cast down to Earth to be taught a lesson by his father Odin (Anthony Hopkins), due to Thor’s arrogance and willingness for battle.

Due to Brannaghs and Hopkins Shakespearean background this film is very much in that style, mixed wonderfully with the troupes of a comic book movie, and creates a story that flows better than the previous films from Marvel, with characters who, despite being even more outlandish, generally provide more interest and depth.

Although not faultless, I would say Thor is not only a good superhero movie, but just a good film in general.

Thor: 7/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Captain America shielding his most valuable parts

Probably the Marvel film I was most sceptical about watching, (I really can’t stand American patriotism), Captain America stars Chris Evans as Steve Rogers, a skinny weakling in 1940s America whose desire to do his bit for his country means he undergoes a super solider experiment, turning him into the first avenger, Captain America.

Set during WW2, I found this film surprisingly enjoyable. The American flag waving and national anthem singing was more toned down than I expected, and the 1940s setting meant it really stood out compared to the other films in the series.

Hugo Weaving was a welcome addition as the villain Red Skull, managing to make a Nazi with a big red face somehow a believable villain. Hayley Atwell was also well cast as the love interest for Captain America, and the supporting cast including Toby Jones and Stanley Tucci added extra quality to this film.

The real problem this movie has is Captain America is a bit of a wet fish, (I don’t mean Aquaman that’s DC), and it is hard to invest in such a stereotypical character. And Captain America really does sound like the kind of name Donald Trump would give himself.

Horrifying isn’t it?

Captain America: 6/10

The Avengers (2012)

I would not want to live in New York with these guys around

And so our Avengers are finally all assembled, and we have the film Marvel was building for four years, The Avengers.

With all the actors reprising their roles, other than Edward Norton being replaced by Mark Ruffalo as Hulk (who does an excellent job by the way), The Avengers is an extremely fun and exciting film, which really gave me the inspiration and desire to do this review and watch the earlier films of the series.

The plot is really inconsequential, it’s basically about a lot of good guys fighting a lot of bad guys, an excuse for superheroes to fight, but you could tell with this film in particular it didn’t take itself too seriously, it was all about the fun and was surprisingly very funny.

Bringing the five characters together in one single movie was handled excellently by director Josh Wheedon, and made sure people would be excited about the next films in the series, in a similar way I think to what Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015) has done.

The Avengers: 8/10

So that’s my superhero worthy, epically large review of Phase One of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with my phase two reviews to come shortly.

And with Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) out now, I am sure in a few years’ time I will be doing the same for the DC cinematic universe.

My favourite 5 Professor Layton Minigames

Professor Layton plays ‘pull my finger’

Created by Japanese developers Level-5 and released over a six-year period (2007-2013) for the Nintendo DS and 3DS, the Professor Layton series is one of the most enjoyable and devilishly challenging experiences in gaming. Aside from the huge cast of charming characters and gorgeous settings presented in a striking visual style, these point-and-click adventures include literally hundreds of puzzles that will test even the most seasoned puzzle aficionado. As entertaining as the core premise is, however, I feel the numerous minigames featured in the series deserve praise themselves; providing as they do a pleasant and at times equally stimulating distraction from the main story. Therefore today I’ve decided to list my favourite five minigames from the Professor Layton canon.

5. The Inn – Professor Layton and the Curious Village 2007

Undoubtedly the simplest of the games on this list, The Inn is nonetheless a pleasurable little puzzle in its own right. Appearing in the first title of the series, the player is tasked with designing two rooms for the titular Professor Layton and his self-styled apprentice Luke Triton, using furniture and items collected during the course of the story to ornament their lodgings. However, to complete the challenge, each room has to meet the exacting standards of the inhabitants, their happiness measured at the bottom of the screen by a pair of gauges. With enough persistence, the solution to the problem will become clear shortly after obtaining the last of the requisite items, though you’ll be left wondering why the Professor and his squire are harder to please than Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

4. Blooms and Shrooms – Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy 2013

The next entry on this list is arguably the most difficult minigame in the entire series. Each of the ten increasingly large, grid-based levels requires the player to make specifically positioned trees bloom. To do this the player must create an unbroken chain of flowers from the starting square, passing energy on via the area of effect of each pattern of blooms, until every target tree has been triggered, whilst avoiding the numerous toxic mushrooms which result in an instant fail if activated. A tricky game generally, what makes Blooms and Shrooms distinctive is the optional challenge of attempting a perfect run; a feature that provides a Steven Segal level of toughness for completionists.

3. Picture Book – Professor Layton and the Lost Future 2008

If The Inn is the most basic minigame to feature in Professor Layton, the Picture Book is almost certainly the easiest, deserving of a place on this list because of its unquestionable charm. Taking the form of three incomplete stories, you’re challenged with filling in the gaps using specific words and phrases unlocked during progression through the main narrative. Though nothing more taxing than basic trial and error is required to complete each book, it’s the freedom to experiment that makes the game memorable. Indeed, intentionally inserting incorrect phrases into a particular passage can result in genuinely amusing scenes as the characters respond to your choices; a perfect example of a light-hearted distraction from the central story.

A section of one of the three picture books

2. The Shop – Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask 2011

The Shop is a challenging minigame that charges the player with the task of selling every item in stock, achieved by arranging the objects in such a way that the customer is compelled to purchase every available product in a frenzy of conspicuous consumption. To do this, you must create an unbroken sequence of items within the given shelf space, linking the irregularly shaped products based on their colour or other shared qualities. Trickier than this brief description may suggest, this excellent minigame manages to find a perfect balance between difficulty and fun, whilst simultaneously helping to familiarise players with the thought processes necessary to complete many of the game’s puzzles.

1. Toy Train – Professor Layton and the Spectres Call 2009

Based on a design utilised in previous Professor Layton titles, the Toy Train stands out from the rest due to a fantastic blend of elements. Delightfully animated, trying and exceedingly enjoyable, this particular game is also slightly more sophisticated than most of the other minigames in the series. The simple premise entails plotting a course from a specific starting point to a predetermined location, ensuring the train visits every station on the grid based map during the journey, whilst avoiding traffic, mountains and sundry other obstacles. Complicating matters is a limited supply of fuel which, though it can be restocked in transit, often forces you to design ever more intricate routes to collect.

Simple but effective: the toy train

Regardless of which of Professor Layton’s many excellent minigames you prefer, the series as a whole demonstrates how to successfully create engaging side-distractions that augment the game in which they appear, without feeling forced or superfluous.

Lego the Hobbit Review

Bilbo and Gandalf chilling outside Bag End

Released in 2014 and developed by Travellers Tales, Lego the Hobbit embraces many of the features that have made their numerous Lego adaptations of popular film franchises a success over the past decade. Humorous, charming and enjoyable, Lego the Hobbit will please the majority of the series’ existing fans, without winning any new admirers due to the conspicuous lack of innovation on the existing formula these games are known for.

Set in a passably sized open-world sandbox, Lego the Hobbit follows the plot of the first two films in the trilogy (inexplicably omitting the third film) as Bilbo Baggins abandons his peaceful life in the Shire to join the quest of the lonely mountain with his thirteen Dwarven companions, led by Thorin Oakenshield, and the enigmatic wizard Gandalf the Grey. During their journey, the company must overcome orcs, sorcerers and giant spiders to reclaim the Dwarves long-lost home. This may seem like an overly simplified summary of the story; however, this mirrors the lack of narrative focus in this game and indeed the previous entries in Travellers Tales’ franchise as a whole. The story is heavily abridged, relying on brief narrations performed by acting great Sir Christopher Lee to create a condensed version of the story prior to each of the sixteen levels, complemented during play by infrequent lines of dialogue copied directly from the films themselves. Though the result is a rather incoherent plot, especially if you play through the levels spasmodically, it’s still sufficiently informative to keep even the most absent-minded gamer abreast of events. Furthermore, by limiting the amount of narrative exposition, the game maintains focus on what is by far its most appealing aspect; the gameplay.

Fundamentally an action-adventure game, Lego the Hobbit also incorporates elements of traditional platformers and even some basic puzzle mechanics to provide a satisfactory level of diversity to the gameplay. That being said the combat mechanics are, to a certain degree, limited and therefore won’t appeal to anyone looking for an in-depth or challenging experience, whilst the control scheme is simple and easy to understand, making the game accessible to young children. Importantly as with every other title in the series, the game includes seamless couch co-op which allows two players to enjoy the game together on the same screen. The main campaign consists of sixteen levels unlocked sequentially as the player journeys across middle-earth. Initially, these levels are played in what’s known as ‘story mode’, which restricts your choice of characters to those who appear in the associated section of the film. Once a level has been completed, however, the player unlocks ‘free-play mode’. During ‘free play’, there are no restrictions on selectable characters, which gives the player access to unique, character-specific abilities e.g. Sauron’s dark magic. This is important for perfectionists who wish to complete the game 100%, as the majority of level items are unobtainable during the first attempt. Irrespective of its salience to completion, as much as anything, ‘free-play’ is fun; it gives rise to amusing, surreal set-pieces such as Bard’s young daughter defeating Azog the Defiler or a geriatric Bilbo besting the Necromancer in single combat.

Thorin and Co. in a tight spot

When not working through the story missions there are a plethora of side-quests and auxiliary tasks, many of which provide an adequate distraction from the main campaign, along with various opportunities to unlock new characters, weapons, items and buffs in the form of ‘red-bricks’. A certain number of these activities are repetitive and tiresome, however; incompatible with the irreverent fun the rest of the game delivers. Ultimately, as stated in the introduction, the biggest disappointment is the lack of innovation. Travellers Tales veterans like myself will certainly enjoy the experience, but not consistently; having played numerous games in the series it becomes ever harder to enjoy the process of hoovering up studs, fetching sundry items for homogeneous NPC’s or systematically destroying Lego rocks.

On a more positive note, the graphics are unequivocally better than any preceding Lego game. The characters and sets are sharp, whilst the background art is pleasant to look at, if not visually impressive. Completing the experience is the inclusion of the original soundtrack from the films, providing a sense of immersion that contrasts nicely with the otherwise light-hearted tone of the game.

To summarise, Lego the Hobbit is a solid entry into the franchise that will please the majority of its fan base. That being said, given the sheer abundance of Lego games created by Travellers Tales over the past decade, I worry that without some sort of significant development or change to the undoubtedly enjoyable paradigm, these games will lose their appeal to adults and become the sole province of children – 7/10.

John

Fallout 4 Review

The protagonist with his canine friend, Dogmeat

Like all Bethesda games, Fallout 4 is a deep and immersive blend of first/third-person shooter and western RPG, set in a remarkably huge sandbox world. A branching narrative reactive to the player’s choices, more side-quests than the average footballer has tattoos and the best representation of a dystopian 50’s America in the medium; 2015’s Fallout 4 marks the pinnacle of the series for many.

This time around, the story follows a fully customisable protagonist immediately prior to the nuclear catastrophe that would end civilisation. As he/she enjoys an idyllic suburban afternoon with the family, sirens begin to blare warning of the impending chaos; fortunately, the protagonist has just enough time to retreat to one of the secure shelters known as vaults, thus avoiding the deadly blasts. However, shortly after arriving in vault 111, the protagonist and their family are cryogenically frozen by the overseers of their new home, against their will. Two hundred years later, the protagonist awakes to discover their spouse has been murdered and their child kidnapped by an unknown assailant. From here the narrative follows the player’s character as they doggedly search the commonwealth of Massachusetts for their missing son Sean whilst being dragged into a bitter struggle for control of the desolation that was once Boston by the numerous factions inhabiting the land, with the ultimate fate of the commonwealth very much in the player’s hands.

The story itself is as interesting as any in the series to date, though certain features of the plot are noticeably similar to previous titles in the franchise; most notably Fallout 3. However, what gives Fallout 4 the edge in terms of narrative depth are the numerous and comprehensive side-stories which focus primarily on the motives and goals of the various factions. These branching narratives, whilst separate, nonetheless adhere to the overarching plot of the story, ensuring the tale continues to develop fluently, even should the player decide to temporarily eschew the main quest in order to explore or complete side-objectives.

Importantly the gameplay will feel familiar to veterans of the series, with only minor alterations made to improve the experience. Once again the player has the option of choosing either a first or third person perspective during exploration and combat, though as with previous Fallout games, the action is more satisfying if played in first person mode. Unique and divisive, the V.A.T.S mechanic (Vault-tec Assisted Targeting System) has undergone the most notable change. In earlier instalments, V.A.T.S allowed players to stop time completely in the midst of battle and choose specific areas of an opponent’s body to attack, with a percentage score used to measure the likelihood of successfully damaging the chosen target. In Fallout 4 however, triggering V.A.T.S simply slows time instead of stopping it altogether. Though subtle, this modification has a significant impact on combat, restricting the amount of time available to players to plan their engagements, making fights feel more tactical, not to mention the surprising amount of damage your character can receive from foes whilst the system is engaged. Dialogue trees appear once again in Fallout 4, though conversation options now look more akin to Mass Effect in terms of style. Notwithstanding this superficial adjustment, the story continues to develop in response to the player’s choices in much the same way as any of Bethesda’s older projects, ensuring this aspect of the gameplay is as enjoyable and intuitive as ever.

Power armour is one way to protect yourself in post-apocalypse Boston

Of course, an ample company of NPC’s are present, providing practical and moral support for the protagonist throughout their adventure, though this feature has also undergone minor changes; where previously companions were mortal (though they could take an excruciating amount of punishment before succumbing) they’re now invincible. In reality, this doesn’t make them as all-powerful as you’d think since allies can be still be ‘stunned’ should they take sufficient damage during combat, removing them from the fray until all opponents in the player’s vicinity have been defeated. Therefore, despite the complaints accompanying this change, the general challenge of the game is affected very slightly, especially as the protagonist’s companions are only as strong as the weapons you give them. At the end of the day, gamers can always choose one of the punishingly hard difficulty levels if they’re looking for a challenge. Additionally, human characters can now be romanced as well, which is becoming an increasingly common feature of western RPG’s. Aside from strengthening the bond between the player and the supporting characters this does have practical benefits too, in the form of unique perks specific to each character you manage to seduce, which can’t be unlocked any other way. Speaking of perks, the skill tree is now larger than ever, with die-hard players able to reach levels in excess of two hundred, if they’re willing to put in the effort. Essentially this gives player’s more freedom to tailor their character to suit their preferred play-style, as well as expanding the available exploratory options. Meanwhile, weapon customisation is equally in-depth and rewarding, exponentially increasing the numbers of ways to maim foes, whilst the base building feature is a nice if somewhat restricted and repetitive distraction.

As you’d expect for the first game in the series on a new generation of consoles, the graphics are the most impressive in the series so far. The 50’s aesthetic looks more authentic than in previous Fallout titles, helping to produce the feeling of a once inhabited, thriving society brought low. Complementing the impressive art design is the use of a more natural, less dreary colour scheme that gives the landscapes a more authentic appearance of desolation and decay. Fallout 4 is also the first game in the series to feature fully voiced protagonists, performed by Brian T. Delaney and Courtenay Taylor (depending on the gender of your character). Both deserve praise for excellent performances, though the quality of the voice acting, in general, is exceptional.

With a blend of traditional features and new innovations, Fallout 4 is without a doubt my favourite in a series of genre-defining games. An in-depth story combined with exciting yet challenging gameplay, gorgeous art design and a map brimming with adventure, this excellent game is a testament to Bethesda’s skill and determination to create timeless games. 9/10

John

The Killing (1956)

The Killing – IMDb 243/250

My review this week isn’t of a gritty Danish crime drama, but rather of Stanley Kubrick’s film noir The Killing (1956), a crime drama starring the sultry voice of Sterling Hayden playing Johnny Clay, a veteran criminal planning a large scale heist to net him and his fellow conspirators a whole lot of dough (my attempt to sound like a 50s gangster).

With a running time of just over 80 minutes, The Killing moves along at a quick pace giving us an introduction of each character involved before progressing to the eventual heist, with a narrator telling us the story throughout which does take some getting used to but eventually works for the film to tie together nicely.

The main thing I noticed when watching this film was how quickly it made me think of Quentin Tarantino, who himself said Reservoir Dogs was heavily influenced by this movie.

The number of characters, the dialogue, and in particular the rather surprising ending all felt very much like Tarantino, and even the narration of the film made me think of The Hateful Eight.

But without the over reliance on violence I actually found myself enjoying The Killing a lot more than some of Tarantino’s own work.

The interesting relationship between George and Sherry Peaty, where George’s love of his wife borders on obsession rather than love felt very ahead of its time, especially when you contrast it to the ridiculous nature of Johnny Clay’s relationship with Fay (Coleen Gray), whose devotion to him showed that feminism was still in its early stages. ‘I believe everything you say Johnny.’ She wouldn’t go through his phone then.

While The Killing did feel slightly dated (at one stage they go to a Chess and Checkers club) it still was an easy watch, and featured some elements that felt very modern. The ending as I mentioned before really surprised me, and is possibly what the film is most known for and gets it into the top 250.

The Killing reportedly heavily influenced Reservoir Dogs – 77th on my list – I’ll be reviewing it in about 30 years time

There’s also this lovely technique when the heist is taking place where the horse racing commentary links all the characters actions together in time, so for instance you know that Johnny is getting ready for action when Nikki (Timothy Carey) is trying to shoot a horse. That sentence will make sense when you watch the film.

Like film critic Mike Emery says as well ‘the true strength of The Killing lies in its characters and characterizations.’

Possibly putting the clichéd Johnny and Fay relationship aside, the characters really are entertaining, with memorable performances from Georgian wrestler Kola Kwariani who’s in one of the most oddly hilarious fight scenes I’ve seen, and Marie Windsor as the bitter and money hungry Sherry Peaty really steals the show.

Entertaining is the word I would use to describe The Killing, which I really can’t say about many of the older films I’ve watched, which generally require a lot more thought and concentration than some of the films of today.

It’s also very interesting to see the influence it clearly has had over modern cinema, and if you want to see what a Tarantino film might have looked like in the 50s, then I would give this a watch.

My Rating: 6/10

Paul

The 5 Most Ridiculous Weapons in Final Fantasy

Created by Square Enix over twenty-five years ago, Final Fantasy is one of gaming’s most beloved series; to a certain extent it’s the archetype of the JRPG genre. Immersive narratives set in equally engrossing worlds full of fascinating characters backed up with highly addictive gameplay, the franchise has provided generations of gamers (myself included) with hundreds of hours of entertainment throughout the past couple of decades. But with such a long and varied history, it’s understandable there exist certain features of the Final Fantasy universe that are ripe for a spot of good-natured mockery and today I’ve chosen to focus on what are, in my opinion, the five most ridiculous weapons to appear in the main series.

5. Vanille’s Binding Rod – Final Fantasy XIII – 2009

Wielded by the unbearably saccharine Oerba Dia Vanille in PS3’s severely linear FFXIII, the binding rod looks more like a bifurcated fishing rod than a weapon. The various ‘lines’ cast from Vanille’s unusual angling equipment snake towards opponents before lashing them with slow, languorous blows that, apparently, cause damage. You can’t help but think this chirpy heroine would be a more effective warrior if she put aside the binding rod and assaulted her foes instead with one of her frequent, nausea-inducing ‘inspirational’ speeches.

Vanille preparing for FishOMania

4. Cait Sith’s Megaphone – Final Fantasy VII – 1997

Megaphones can be unpleasantly loud, but how on earth do you weaponize one? By using it as an acoustically-sound club of course. Whether the foe is an armoured soldier or hulking great behemoth, Cait Sith (a mechanised, stuffed animal) approaches every battle the same; waddling fearlessly toward his victim before slamming the full weight of his auditory device down onto his adversary’s head. It can only be assumed that the megaphones in the world of Final Fantasy VII are composed of solid marble or a similarly dense material.

Cait Sith and his silver megaphone

3. Relm’s Paintbrush – Final Fantasy VI – 1994

Relm Arrowny may well be the bravest character in the entire series. Only ten years old, this pre-teen trooper faces professionally trained soldiers and vicious beasts alike head-on, with naught but a few centimetres of wood to protect her. Striking her opponents with the brush itself is her primary form of offence, however, Relm also possesses the unique ability to paint magical portraits of her enemies during skirmishes which come to life to support her and the party by using her adversary’s own abilities against them. If not for this extraordinary skill, Relm’s mighty paintbrush would probably be at the very top of this list.

2. Edward’s Harp – Final Fantasy IV – 1991

Taking the silver medal is Prince Edward Chris von Muir and his lethal harp. Though musical instruments are used as weapons elsewhere in the series (see Cait Sith above), Edward’s stands out due to an alarming lack of supporting skills. For example, unlike Eiko from Final Fantasy IX who relies on her abilities as a summoner far more than her unassuming flute, the ‘spoony bard’ (as he’s famously called by the mage Tellah) has nothing save the soothing tones of his harp to defend himself in battle. Literally attacking monsters with music, it’s hard to imagine the Prince defeating any enemy, unless he decides to start playing a vuvuzela; anyone who watched even five minutes of the 2010 world cup will know the toneless drone of a vuvuzela is as unpleasant as a gun-shot to the gut.

1. Lulu’s Doll – Final Fantasy X 2001

Dressed like a goth burlesque dancer, you’d expect Lulu to be armed with something appropriately dark and arcane, instead the taciturn black mage from Final Fantasy X enters battle with a small, semi-autonomous doll as a weapon. Unleashing them at her foes like a sable-clad Pokémon trainer, Lulu’s dolls wound her enemies with a delicate headbutt possessing all the force of a particularly fluffy snowball that’s been thrown by a four-year-old. Though she has an arsenal of spells to fall back on, the bizarre sight of a grown woman defeating building-sized monsters with a plush toy is too peculiar to overlook.

Lulu (left) with her Moogle doll

There are other weapons from the series I could have chosen, but, in my opinion, these five best demonstrate the quirky, sometimes ludicrous nature of Final Fantasy; games which I must reiterate I adore despite their imperfections.

John